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Co-dependency in recovery is as prevalent as it is when we're in an addiction. It doesn't go away just because we become sober. Overcoming co-dependency requires the undoing of learned behaviors and coping styles that are commonly quite old, tried and true, if painfully so.
Instead of trying to control, fix or change others, co-dependents in recovery have an opportunity to learn to disengage and to let go. Co-dependent beliefs and behaviors create pain and reasons to self medicate. When co-dependents learn to stop allowing others to hurt or take advantage of the willingess to help, then the pain is not so great.
Letting go of these behaviors takes intention, time, and practice. In pursing recovery from codependency, relationships often shift radically, and some do not survive the change. Often, the individual doing the work may outgrow the relationship, or at least be willing to leave should it no longer continue to serve the demands of an evolving ego.
Healthy egos are desirable things. Transcending healthy egos can be even more desirable but, you have to have a healthy ego before you can transcend it! A healthy ego has flexible boudaries, not rigid ones. It can stand to communicate directly without guilt and does not need to use harsh remedies like avoidance or withdrawal to protect itself from others.
Recovery from codependency means learning to set boundaries and limits, saying no, expressing wants and needs and no longer inserting oneself into another person’s problems. Co-dependents who are successful at recovery stop compulsively trying to take care of other people and learn that they are worth taking care of themselves. Increasing self-esteem and improving communication skills so that needs are more likely to be heard and taken seriously by others and ultimately more likely to be met are characteristic experiences of overcoming co-dependency while in recovery.
Emerging from codependency can happen many ways. Counseling and psychotherapy are excellent ways to start.
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